March 2016

Blog: Flex Rumblecrunch (3.29.16)

Posted: March 29, 2016

Tournaments are special in CHIKARA. They have a purpose. Winning them provides title opportunities and bragging rights. I cannot stress enough how important tournaments have been for the Devastation Corporation. In the event that you forgot, allow me to remind you; Dev Corp established ourselves as top players in both CHIKARA, and tag team wrestling, by winning King of Trios 2014. That victory launched us into a different stratosphere. That victory led to more victories...and ultimately los Campeonatos de Parejas.

I would suggest that our luck ran out in 2015. Please pay attention to the use of the word "luck". It was by no accident that I chose that word. It started when we were upset by some dudes from Mexico at Trios and it continued through the round-robin Challenge of the Immortals. I am referring of course to Crown And Court blindly falling backwards into our glory. It was luck. It was a fluke. Had it not been for this blind luck we would already have a Golden Opportunity and be able to take what is rightfully ours back from N_R_G. Don’t get me started on those guys.

So now the Tag World Grand Prix 2016 stands in front of us. It’s another tournament with another big payoff. I have used the phrase “Evolution of Devastation” before. In many ways it’s a de-evolution. It’s all about going back to our roots. Pulling out that anger, aggression, and cold determination that helped us win King of Trios back in 2014. Flex and Blaster are not cartoon characters. We are not your next-door neighbor. Heck, if either of us knock on your door, it isn’t to borrow salt and pepper. It’s probably to spit in your face and kick your teeth down your throat. This evolution is bad for everyone in CHIKARA and this Saturday we have only one goal.

If the CHIKARMY decides to look outside of fantasyland and be realistic for a moment, they will realize that there isn’t a single team in this tournament that can stand toe-to-toe with Dev Corp. The scary part is that we can do what we want. We can wrestle, we can fly, and we can flat-out fight. There are no weaknesses or holes in our collective game. It will come as no shock to us, if the other teams in this tournament simply don’t show up. What sane, red-blooded humans would? However, someone likely will be dumb enough to do so, and that’s fine by us. We can use these other teams to keep our skills fresh because at the end of the Tag World Grand Prix 2016, we will have earned our 3 points. It’s at that point that N_R_G can start shaking in their boots and losing sleep. Devastation is coming and no one can stop it.

-FR

Blog: Mike Quackenbush (3.22.16)

Posted: March 23, 2016

I’ve said it a few times now - there are three active professional wrestlers in the world today that, if they asked me to share the ring with them one more time, I would find it almost impossible to refuse.

Who is on that list of three? I’ll offer these clues: One of them is Japanese. One of them is Swiss. One of them is British.

If only life were that simple, though.

It’s been nearly 3 years since Secaucus. My leg got into quite the scuffle with a metal railing that day, and to put it delicately: my leg lost. I have a dissociated lunate bone in my left wrist, which cannot be repaired. When my hand is manipulated a certain way, you can hear the bone “clicking” in my wrist. It feels about as unpleasant as it sounds. And, well, I’m not even going to start on my back.

But…that list. This is Johnny Kidd asking. THE Johnny Kidd. The last practitioner of the classical British style still active to this day. "Mr. Smooth" himself. A man I’ve studied, admired, and even emulated. And it is his retirement match. After that, my list of three becomes a list of two. What can I say?

John, the simple fact is, I may not be able to get medical clearance, even for one more match. So if this goes no further than you asking - thank you. I am honored. I am flattered. I feel humbled by your request. Please know how sincere I am when I say, I would like nothing more than to see Mr. Smooth and the Master of a Thousand Holds tie up one last time. It rings fitting to my ears.

The end of a rivalry. The end of a story. The end of a career.

The spirit is willing.

If… If.

-MQ

Blog: Dasher Hatfield (3.8.16)

Posted: March 08, 2016

I sat down the other night to watch the latest CHIKARA Event Center hosted by my good friend, and new member of the CHIKARA Dad’s Club, Bryce Remsburg. Saying I was a tad surprised to hear the most recent match announcement would be a humdinger of an understatement. I cannot help but wonder why Icarus should be forced to team with our ex-teammate, Mr. Touchdown. Mr. Quackenbush I do respect your magical brain for creating fantastic, fun, and exciting wrestling matches, but I cannot figure out for the life of me what you plan on achieving by pairing Icarus with the man who cost him a shot at immortality.

Mark not only cost Icarus a shot to be the only CHIKARA wrestler to achieve the King of Trios, Grand Championship, Campeonatos de Perajas, and Challenge of the Immortals grand slam. No. He took Icarus' Golden Opportunity away, too. He took a Golden Opportunity away from me. A Golden Opportunity away from Ms. Lovelace.  

Let us take a look at how things have played out since that small piece of steel fell from my elbow pad. Since that moment, I have not won a single match. Since that moment Crown And Court went on to win the finals, since the only fair thing to do was withdraw Dasher's Dugout from the tournament, thus giving them all Golden Opportunities. With this opportunity Princess KimberLee quickly cashed in and now sits atop CHIKARA as our Grand Champion. She made history.

Had that steel never been placed inside my elbow pad, Dasher’s Dugout, in its entirety, would have achieved great things in CHIKARA.

If not for Mark, it could have been Heidi making professional wrestling history, it could have been her as Grand Champion of CHIKARA. Icarus would have become CHIKARA’s first grand slam winner when the four of us had our hands raised in immortality at "Top Banana." Another moment erased from history due to the actions of Mr. Touchdown. And as far as I’m concerned, Not only did Mark cost me immortality, not only did he cost me a Golden Opportunity, but he now officially wasted the last five years in the ring. Since his debut, my only goal was to succeed with him by my side. Mark’s recent actions have made me realize that this goal was wishful thinking at best.

The fear of losing, the fear of defeat, the fear of failure that resides deep in the gullet of Mr. Touchdown was too much for him to overcome. This fear made him lose all of the faith he had in his teammates, his family, and himself. Along with Heidi and Icarus, I gave everything I had to put my team in a position to be the very first Challenge of the Immortals winners. It breaks my heart that the actions of one coward could nullifies everything. Every bump, every bruise, every minute away from our families, every hour in the gym, every punch in the mouth, every kick in the face...all for nothing.

For 5 years now I have given Mark the benefit of the doubt, time and time again. I have always had a belief that if we, as a wrestling communit,y never saw the day that Mr. Touchdown stood atop the wrestling world with both hands raised high while yelling “It’s Good” at the top of his lungs...that we would all be missing out on something truly special. Now I am afraid it is inevitable that his fear of losing will destroy whatever it is that makes Mark so special, and his time to flourish will quickly pass him by.

I heard Icarus say that this match is a good chance for Mark to start redeeming himself. Speak for yourself, my friend.

-DH

Blog: Jakob Hammermeier (3.3.16)

Posted: March 03, 2016
The king on his throne, thinking royal thoughts

Eddie Kingston's got some nicknames, doesn't he?

"God's Middle Child."

"The Last of a Dying Breed."

And of course "The War King."

You are the first-ever CHIKARA Grand Champion, and maybe the hardest-hitter in all of professional wrestling. I've witnessed you emerge victorious against many a great warrior, in many a war.

However, when we were in your hometown of the Bronx, with your entire family front and center, I punched a hole through your face. I pinned you straight-up, mano a mano. Fist-first, I handed you a clean loss, as your cousins and parents fought back tears of shame. The crowd was stunned to see NOT ONLY the sacking of their so-called "king," Eddie Kingston...they were in utter awe of the coronation of "THE NEW KING OF CHIKARA" Jakob Hammermeier!

I took that title from your grubby mitts in like five seconds. It was a great day for me.

If you ask me, I was really doing you a favor, Eddie. I mean seriously, the first time I heard you call yourself "The War King" I immediately thought, "Not mein king. No way."

Here is quick list of some things you lack as a so called "king":

1) No Minions: I mean honestly Eddie...to whom are you a king? I have people from all over the world practically kicking down the custom oak (yeah, I sprung for oak) doors at the BDK's Castle of Fear. I had droves of them at King of Trios lined up BEGGING for them to be mein minions. DROVES!

2) No Throne: every reputable king has a throne to ponder his royal thoughts. Try to keep up, part-nah.

3) No Crown: I don't remember seeing bandanas tied like Tupac being passed off as crowns back in King Louis' day. No sir.

You have no respect for true royalty. You're a street thug. You're no more a King than I am a Hammer. This isn't Aladdin. You can't just rub a dirty lamp, wish you were a king, and have everyone bow at your feet. You got to earn it, just as I did in your hometown of El Bronx.

If you expect that I will sully myself, sharing the ring with you again, just to humor your latest temper tantrum, think again. I have minions to take out mein trash.

HAIL HAMMERMEIER!

-JH