August 2016

Blog: Hallowicked (8.31.16)

Posted: August 31, 2016

As promised at No One's First, and You're Next, we disposed of the ragtag assembly that thought they could resist Nazmaldun's will. And yet I recall giving a clear warning to any that thought they would stand by The Colony in that fight. Do not think for even a second that the beating you suffered will be the extent of your penalty. The blasphemers Amasis, Pinkie Sanchez, Missile Assault Man and Artic rescue Ant. I mark each of you guilty of aiding and abetting The Colony and name you the enemies of Nazmaldun forevermore.

By the time this decree is published, Frightmare, The Spear of Nazmaldun and the newly appointed justice in this matter, will have already visited his wrath upon one of you that hides beneath the totem of the ant. No more will he vex us and no longer will he doubt the power and the glory of Nazmaldun.

As for you other cretinous insects, make your peace now, for it is only a matter of time before Frightmare comes to pay you a visit and removes you from the board like so many chess pieces. In that moment when Frightmare is striking down upon you with all the fury of our great master, I want you to realize that you were nothing more than pawns in a much larger game. I want you to understand that you were thrown to the wolves, unprepared for what you would face, for NOTHING.

Silver Ant, don't think your involvement in our match last Sunday went unnoticed. You were wise enough to keep yourself out of the fray directly, but some madness drove you to interject yourself and attempt to assail The Morning Star, Icarus. Nazmaldun is not done with you yet and as such has not given us permission to tear you limb from limb. Do not test our will in this. It would be in your own best interest to remain hidden away from our sight should such madness strike you in the future.

-H

Blog: Fire Ant (8.19.16)

Posted: August 19, 2016

This Sunday, once again, I march into the Wrestle Factory, prepared for battle. I'll look across the ring and face an army of warriors loyal to Nazmaldun. I'll see former allies and familiar foes consumed by pure hatred. Their darkest traits cranked up to an unthinkable degree.

This army's goal will be simple: Extermination.

At that moment, when I'm staring into the darkness, I'll look to my left, and then to my right, and who will I see? I'm sure I'll see some familiar faces too.

I've fought many forces over the many years, doing what I can to defend CHIKARA. And the one thing I can always count on, is that my brothers will march right beside me. And this Sunday, even though I'm certain I will be marching with ants, that's all they will be. Just ants. Not my brothers. Not the Colony. Just a Lot of Ants.

I know all of you are reading this. I know Worker Ant recruited you. You need to know that I don't like this, and I don't trust you. But you must prove me wrong. Prove your worth. We don't have any other options.

-FA!

Blog: Hallowicked (8.18.16)

Posted: August 18, 2016

Like weeds in an untended garden, the ranks of Nazmaldun's force run unchecked and are now in position to begin choking the life out of those that remain standing against us. We never dreamed it would be so easy, that we would be unopposed in building the fighting force that now threatens to dominate CHIKARA. What was done to stop us? They set the Grand Champion Princess KimberLee against me and she was dethroned by my own hand. They tried teaming her with Hedi Lovelace, a woman she can hardly stand next to in the ring without coming to blows. They struggled to bolster her ranks with N_R_G, men who are little more than strangers to her. They rallied the simpleton Ice Creams to her cause in a misguided attempt to correct course. They thought strengthening her with ranks with members of The Colony would finally stall us...and yet here we stand.

The weakness of their efforts have reaped the rotten fruits they sowed. We have grown powerful and terrible in the face of your ignorance. Each man Nazmaldun has bid I claim for his own, is one that I know well. Men I have fought with and ones I have raged against. The spear Frightmare is as unflinching in his dedication to our master as I am. The morning star Icarus has surpassed even my expectations for the joy he takes in savaging his opponents. The demonic twin scythes Kodama and Obariyon, and the poison-tipped bolt Kobald, have displayed an unequaled blood lust in the ring. Now at last we have the battering ram, Mark Angelosetti, in our grasp. With him we will smash through whatever defenses you mount, and burn to the ground all that you know and love. Yet still one piece of the arsenal remains unseen. Our secret weapon. One which no one could possibly account for and so will wreak utter havok when the hour is at hand.

Colony, this Sunday you seem dead set on being the next obstacle in our path. Do not bear the brunt of our horrible wrath with merely half of a team. Do not even attempt to find others foolish enough to stand with you. There is no one you can recruit that yet lives who can hope to stop us. If anyone reading this message harbors any notions of coming to the aid of the ants, be warned now - that this will be no wrestling match. It will be a slaughter. All Glory Nazmaldun.

-H

Blog: Tyler Bate (8.10.16)

Posted: August 10, 2016

Earlier this week, Trent Seven and myself were enjoying a freshly brewed cup of tea upon the mountain, and it was brought to our attention that on 21st August in Philadelphia, CHIKARA will be hosting themselves an event and Moustache Mountain just so happen to be free of duties on this very day. We also know that on this very day, that the disputed Campeonatos de Parejas will be determined in a bout between Los Ice Creams, N_R_G, and The Devastation Corporation. The purpose of this massive match is no doubt to quell any further dispute over who should have those title belts around their waists, or over their shoulders. So we began contemplating...

What if Moustache Mountain were to show up in Philadelphia with our 3 golden coins? Our stake in this fight is every bit as valid as that of Blaster McMassive and Flex Rumblecrunch. Furthermore, on 23rd July, we defeated the last team to legitimately hold those titles - Race Jaxon and Hype Rockwell. The Devastation Corporation can't make such a claim. CHIKARA, Trent and myself have made it clear that we don't want to wait around any longer, and any longer we will not wait. On 21st August in Philadelphia, prepare to find Moustache Mountain at your gate. We'll see to it that any and all disputes over who the rightful champions are settled in the middle of the ring....and you might even see us walk away with the titles. *Moustache twiddle*.

-TB

Blog: Hype Rockwell (8.5.16)

Posted: August 05, 2016

Campeones de Parejas...that's what we've been able to call ourselves since we took down the mighty Devastation Corporation last year. It's been a heck of ride for N_R_G. This month marks our two year anniversary with CHIKARA. Our very first opponents? Los Ice Creams.

Both teams have come along way. It's seems like yesterday that I was driving us through the night to make towns so that "The Generator" and I could have the honor of walking to that ring, and doing what it is that we love to do. Only one problem, Race had all the energy in N_R_G, and me? Well I could barely keep my eyes open walking to the ring. Those were some tough days. Sleepless nights, too.

We beat the odds and challenged Max Smashmaster and Blaster McMassive in Cardiff, Wales...and almost came home with the gold. Although we came up short that night due to my condition, we pressed on. We started over and with the right liquid motivation, we started to click. We started to fire on all cylinders. There was a renewed energy in us, and we couldn't be stopped. We had the fans of CHIKARA wondering just how far we'd go. It was at this very point, with all the stars aligned, completely energized, that we knocked the beasts from the mountaintop.

Fast forward to July, 2016. I was wide awake, watching my tag team partner in the window seat, snapping his fingers and slowly bobbing his head. The high-octane "Generator" was totally blissed out, and you'd never guess that we were hours away from the fight of our lives. That night, at Back in the Habit, we went nose to nose with one of the best tag teams in the world: Moustache Mountain. We saw what our next challengers will look like. Our focus was squarely on them, even amidst the chaos. And then, Los Ice Creams cashed in and took what was ours. It happened in the blink of an eye.

On August 21st...Race, we have an opportunity to set the record straight. We should have never had those belts taken from us. Taking nothing away from Los Ice Creams...they earned that immortality at "Top Banana." But what about our deeds, Race? Those titles represent what you and I have scratched for since "Moonraker"...no, since the days of Wrestling is Fun! Turn off that Rick Braun you've been chilling to, my friend. It's time to get fired up! Find the that annoying, spazzed-out "Generator" I've driven all these miles with, and let's go to work!

-HR

Blog: Mike Quackenbush (8.2.16)

Posted: August 02, 2016
Sports Illustrated Top 101 Pro-Wrestlers of all time

Over the weekend, it came to my attention that Sports Illustrated had published what they consider to be the definitive listing of the 101 best professional wrestlers of all time. And I was genuinely stunned to learn that I was included on this list. I felt flattered…for about three minutes. As someone who wrote for Pro Wrestling Illustrated and the Kappa Publishing family of magazines for the better part of 10 years I can tell you with some authority, that these kinds of lists are sometimes laughable, and always subjective. What’s the exact criteria being used to rank? Popularity? Skill? Influence? Based on the wrestler synopses Sports Illustrated published, it’s impossible to tell what criteria informed the making of their list.

And for a moment here, please allow me to just be Mike, and not the Director of Fun or anything else. The longer I stared at this Sports Illustrated list, the more certain I feel about this: this is not a list my name should be on. I’m saying this because as a lover of the artform, there are so many obvious acts that need to be included in lists of this type. Wrestlers with far-reaching popularity, indelible influence and far greater skill, among all other kinds of important qualities. And all day today, I’ve just had one after the other after the other pop into my head. The best acts in the history of pro-wrestling. I’m not sure what else to do with this information…but download forthcoming.

Here's a listing of 101 more deserving professional wrestling acts than I to be included on such a list. Just right off the top of my head here:


1) Tiger Mask
2) Manami Toyota
3) Los Misioneros de la Muerte (Texano/El Signo/Negro Navarro)
4) Johnny Saint
5) Kenta Kobashi
6) Mildred Burke
7) Gori Guerrero
8) Billy Robinson
9) Atlantis
10) Martin Karadagian


11) Gran Hamada
12) Mick McManus
13) Great Sasuke
14) Mistico
15) Chigusa Nagayo
16) Dos Caras
17) Rock n Roll Express (Robert Gibson/Ricky Morton)
18) Riki Choshu
19) Los Villanos (III/IV/V)
20) Lioness Asuka


21) Midnight Express (Bobby Eaton/Stan Lane)
22) Carlos Colon
23) Jumbo Tsuruta
24) Sabu
25) Mascarita Sagrada
26) Freebirds (Michael Hayes/Buddy Roberts/Terry Gordy)
27) Atsushi Onita
28) Kendo Nagasaki (the one from the UK!)
29) Giant Baba
30) Road Warriors (Hawk/Animal)


31) Ultimo Guerrero
32) Jerry Lawler
33) Cesaro
34) Paul Orndorff
35) Kerry Von Erich
36) Bull Nakano
37) El Canek
38) Jackie Pallo
39) Hiroshi Tanahashi
40) Eduoard Carpentier


41) Dynamite Kid
42) Perro Aguayo, Sr.
43) Heavenly Bodies (Tom Prichard/Jimmy Del Ray)
44) Colt Cabana
45) Meiko Satomura
46) Big Daddy
47) Negro Casas
48) The Fantastics (Tommy Rogers/Bobby Fulton)
49) The 1-2-3 Kid
50) Shinya Hashimoto


51) Alundra Blayze
52) Killer Kowalski
53) Super Delfin
54) The Fabulous Kangaroos (Al Costello/Roy Heffernan)
55) Tommy Dreamer
56) Johnny Kidd
57) Magnum TA
58) Los Brazos (Brazo/Brazo de Oro/Brazo de Plata)
59) Masa Chono
60) Tully Blanchard


61) Jim Breaks
62) Genichiro Tenryu
63) Akira Hokuto
64) Jackie Fargo
65) Sgt. Slaughter
66) Psicosis
67) Steve Williams
68) Yokozuna
69) Nikita Koloff
70) Dr. Wagner Jr.


71) Octagoncito
72) Hayabusa
73) The Crusher
74) Demolition (Ax/Smash)
75) Masakatsu Funaki
76) Antonina Rocca
77) Kyoko Inoue
78) “Stomper" Archie Gouldie
79) Marty Jannetty
80) Taz


81) Ricky Starr
82) Mascarita Dorada
83) Nobuhiko Takada
84) June Byers
85) Blue Panther
86) George Kidd
87) Aja Kong
88) Honky Tonk Man
89) Wahoo McDaniel
90) Los Cadetes del Espacio (Solar/Ultraman/Super Astro)


91) Hikari Fukuoka
92) Los Infernales (Satanico/MS-1/Pirata Morgan)
93) Will Ospreay
94) El Solitario
95) Wendi Richter
96) Pat O'Connor
97) Eddie Gilbert
98) La Parka
99) Rick Martel
100) Sara Del Rey
101) Espectrito

...alright. Glad to get that off my chest.

-MQ