Blog: Sonny Defarge (5.25.17)
To whom it may concern,
This Saturday the world over shall celebrate the 15th anniversary of CHIKARA. The fact was recently brought to my attention that the unmannerly cyclists known as Dez Peloton have accomplished the feat of achieving three points and have earned the right to contend, on this day, against my business associate, Mr. Crummels, and I, in yet another feeble attempt to remove the Campeonatos de Parejas from our well-deserved possession. To this I say good luck to you gentlemen.
Throughout our storied and successful careers as businessmen and combatants alike, Mr. Crummels and I have amassed many treasures, prizes and awards. For as long as I can remember men and women of a lesser capacity for success have attempted to pilfer what we have earned through precision and teamwork. The situation found here involving the detestable cyclists is no different than these past attempts save for one detail; Dez Peloton has defeated us in the past. No other team in CHIKARA can legitimately make such a claim. However, Mr. Crummels and I are more than prepared to face this obnoxious team once more because, as we have proven in the past, in spite of the vigorous training through which they put their bodies and minds, Dez Peloton cannot function under high pressure conditions.
Mr. Crummels and I perseverate in our success in the face of doubters and multiple attempts at the expropriation of the titles that we have earned through innumerable legitimate victories the likes of which are unheard-of in both the realms of business and professional combat sports. Meanwhile we continuously find Dez Peloton sharing kale recipes and personal records in their fitness-related outings. Mr. Crummels finds himself, now, in need of medical attention after having fallen ill during a business venture in Kiribati the likes of which many wouldn't understand. However he trains still! (Though we will be accepting donations in favor of his health fund, as well as pledges and contributions to benefit our training. We now accept bitcoin!) Meanwhle, Jasper Tippins couldn't even be bothered to appear in the Infinite Gauntlet. The lack of determination is apparent.
All of this to say that we have proven in the past, over the course of three seasons, that we, CHIKARA's legitimate businessmen, are the greatest tag team to have ever graced the sport of professional wrestling with its performance. Dez Peloton has only succeeded in proving the durability of their quadriceps over long distances. Hardly enough to compete with the Campeones de Parejas.
In conclusion, sirs/and or madams, Dez Peloton will ride their momentum all the way to the Aniversario event in Hellertown, PA and that is where their momentum will stop. Legitimate business will prevail through an attempted hostile takeover, yet again, while the gears rust, the chains seize, and the pedals stop moving. And every good businessman knows that when a bicycle's pedals stop moving, the only thing left for a bicycle to do is collapse.
As always, for this and all of the business ventures shared by Mr. Crummels and I, I have some great expectations.
Blog: Kobald (5.23.17)
DID YOU SEE IT? DID YOU? IN PHILLY, AT THE ELEVENTH HOUR?
Did it work? IT WORKED!! IT REALLY REALLY WORKED!!
People thought Kobald was CRAZY! People thought Kobald had a DEATH WISH! People thought I would end up the same way Deucalion left me, but no! No no no no no. NO! For months I have been TRAPPED in my own mind, split into TWO, a fissure dividing us. I waited & hoped & pleaded & begged to be FIXED! No one came to help me for so long! But now? Now… KOBALD IS WHOLE ONCE AGAIN!!! Rewatch the footage & see the smile smeared across my face! KOBALD IS FIXED!!!
WHO DO I HAVE TO THANK? Who has brought me back to singularity?? Who has closed the fissure in my mind??? My HERO! My KNIGHT! My SAVIOR! OLEG the Usurper! Oleg, I know we have had a rocky relationship through the years, BUT ALL IS FORGIVEN!!! You have completely redeemed yourself. I NEVER doubted you this entire time! I knew YOU would be the one to FIX KOBALD. I knew YOU would save me! I KNEW it would only take ONE “Off With His Head” to unclog my cranium!
How can I possibly repay you, Oleg? How? What do you desire? What do you hope to obtain? Name it & it is YOURS! I have already compiled a list of items I know you’ll enjoy. Your first shipment should have already arrived at your doorstep. But there’s more in store. MUCH, MUCH more! I have something SPECIAL in store for you in Hellertown on May 27th. SEE YOU THERE!!
THANK YOU, OLEG! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
THANK YOU, OLEG!!! [Clap clap clapclapclap] THANK YOU, OLEG!!! [Clap clap clapclapclap]
YOU FIXED KOBALD!!! [Clap clap clapclapclap] YOU FIXED KOBALD!!! [Clap clap clapclapclap]
Blog: Jeremy Leary (5.5.17)
I don't know about you, but I've been feeling pretty....infinite lately, daddy.
You see, the CHIKARMY was all expectin' a repeat of Kennebunk, Maine when we made our way down to Florida for my rematch. They expected Ophidian to embarrass the best hair in wrestling once again. They wanted to see it, too. They love seeing Jeremy Leary being embarrassed for their leisure, by one of their most beloved heroes.
No. My blood is too thick for that.
So, I heeded words from a man who spoke so softly...but his message was so very loud. And as this strange, strange man showed me the power of post-hypnotic suggestion and of mind over matter. We made a deal. You all know how this story ends. I put a stop to his witchcraft that you all seem to love, and I made good on my word and cut the head right off of the snake. Another one of CHIKARA's heroes...fallen to Jeremy Leary. The Whisper helped me bring a darkness to sunny Florida on that hot afternoon. Do you love it??
Now, we are a mere couple of days away from my second Infinite Gauntlet, and this bad Leary is on fiyah! My epidermis is just crawwwwwwlin' with anticipation. Imagine, if you will...Jeremy Leary eliminating your favorites, one after the other. The chance to once again take away something oh-so-important from that Ol' Juke Joint. The possibility makes my mouth water. There's one more possibility that gives me goosebumps just a liiiiiiitttttlllee bit more though.
Lucas Calhoun, it ain't no secret that you haven't been having much good luck since you've crossed paths with Jeremy Leary. Even in defeat, I have broken you down. You're a man without a country. You aren't even sure who you are anymore. You've had to bring a side out of yourself that you haven't tapped into since you wore tin foil and that creepy mask. You want to get back to the upper tier, and I know how to do that, brother.
You've said I have a target on my back, and Juke Joint, I think you're going about this all wrong. Fight along side me. Learn to upgrade yourself and acquire the features of This Year's Model. Show them you aren't this broken down mechanism that they're all starting to say that you are. I.... no, WE... know somebody who can install these upgrades.
On May 6th in that Ol' Infinite Gauntlet, with me, you can show the world that the possibilities, well, they're endless, daddy.
Blog: Ashley Vox (5.3.17)
The Infinite Gauntlet is just days away...but I'm still banged up, icing my back, taking care of Jawsolyn. Do I feel ready? Am I close to being ready? I may not be at 100% but that's not going to stop me from doing what I must this Saturday.
Sure, there's 31 other competitors that my attention should be on but, I'm focused on Merlok. Maybe I wasn't taking things seriously enough when it came to Merlok. Maybe I was naive. He can toss Delmi and I around because that is our job, it's what we have been trained to handle. But when he laid his menacing hands on Jawsolyn, who had nothing to do with OUR match, I finally woke up. It's one thing to strike someone, but to decimate them like that, especially a non-wrestler, is unquestionably over the line. Merlok, I hope you get a good gulp of water before you enter that ring this Saturday, because the moment I sea you come - in it's all over. I will destroy you like you destroyed the one thing I love in this world and I will not show mercy. I will personally sea to it that justice is done in the Infinite Gauntlet.
Blog: Donald Kluger (5.1.17)
I thought I would pause from my RIGOROUS training schedule to share my musings about some recent developments here at CHIKARA.
Firstly, it is with the utmost enthusiasm and ZEAL that I am stratagizing for my GLORIOUS OPPORTUNITY to WIN the Infinite Gauntlet!!! This grueling and SAVAGE contest will be a TRUE TEST of my willpower. Some of the most EXTRAORDINARY competitors in the HISTORY OF CHIKARA will be competing on this FATEFUL NIGHT. In spite of these obstacles, NAY… BECAUSE of them, I believe that THIS HALF of Dez Peloton will prove victorious.
Secondly, I know that my previous statement must beg the questions “Will the luxurious Jasper Tippins also be participating? Will your friendship be at RISK?” The answer to the second inquiry is simple - Jasper and myself have FORGED a bond of real FRIENDSHIP through rigorous competition. Our friendship is NEVER at risk. Such a quandary however, is not relevant in this case, as it is with a heavy HEART I regret to inform you that Jasper Tippins will not be in attendance. He will still be in recovery from a BRUTAL attempt to qualify for the Tour de Romandie (CURSE you Richie Porte!!!)
The Infinite Gauntlet requires perseverance, determination, and ENDURANCE for success. These are traits I not only have, I EMBODY THEM. I will outlast every competitor until NONE REMAIN ANYWHERE FOREVER. I have no apprehension in calling my shot here - Donald Kluger will climb that summit and STAND TALL IN VICTORY.