November 2017

Blog: Race Jaxon (11.21.17)

Posted: November 21, 2017

I don't ever want to see Hype Rockwell's hideous, oversized, under-developed face, EVER again! I don't want to be reminded of the darkest years of my life, where I was compromising with that lack of talent, skill, and aesthetics in N_R_G! I always hear about the 300+ day championship run, the amazing matches and moments, the awesome power of the Hyperwheel! I hear all about this chapter in CHIKARA's history, but what's more important is what I don't hear about... I don't hear the recognition that Race Jaxon deserves. I don't hear enough about how handsome, young, and talented I am! I don't hear about how lucky Hype was to have a partner as giving, and fantastic as Race!

While Hype slept in a corner I battled all contenders and challengers. While Hype caught his breath on the floor, I flew to attack opponents far larger than myself. While Hype embarrassed me with mistimed strikes I recovered as quickly as I could to save our prestige! After December 2nd, I won't ever see Hype Rockwell's disgusting countenance again...and neither will anyone else. He will be adorned in a mask and, once I'm done with him, likely crutches as well. If not for my flawless visage, I wish I had been afforded the pleasure of a mask years ago, to hide my face from the embarrassment that was being in a tag team with that repellent oaf! If you thought dropping a whole stage on Hype's face was the most depraved deed I can commit, you will find out at the finale that you were sorely mistaken!

To the many adoring fans of Race Jaxon, I apologize for this detour in my otherwise upward journey to glory. Many look up to Race Jaxon as an ideal! An ideal of beauty, an ideal of skill, and an ideal of perfection. The fans of Race are far smarter than to gaze at the anchor that is my former tag team partner and brake! I say to my fans: continue your lavish support and honor my name! I do not perform in vain, I do so for the continued admiration of my fans! Gaze upon me with your longing and desirous eyes!

"Closing Time" is coming December 2nd, this will be Hype's last stand and your last chance to take glimpse at his repulsive image! Without Race, Hype is nothing. Without Hype, I am everything!

-RJ

Blog: Ophidian (11.16.17)

Posted: November 16, 2017

My journey has been long and arduous...but nothing if not fruitful. I cannot let my focus waver. Overconfindence has seen the downfall of many, both lesser and greater than I, and I refuse to follow that path. I can feel that what I seek is finally almost within reach, there’s just one last mountain to scale as CHIKARA embarks on a journey of its own to New England, one final series of tests in order for The Osirian Portal to rise to the greatest victory.

My path is fraught with obstacles. In the midst of my preparations for the Portal’s tag team glory, I will have to pause to defend my Young Lions Cup. No matter. When it gets down to the wire, I always have a trick up my sleeve. See you Saturday in Haverhill, Barksdale.

Does it crush you, knowing how easily I've become the superior Ophidian? How my accomplishments in the last few months have eclipsed the totality of your wrestling career? Winning the Rey de Voladores. Capturing the Young Lions Cup. My undefeated Osirian Portal's ascension. Do you burn with rage because your long-held secret was revealed not just to the world, but to your teammates in The Furies? Your role as the imposter 17 must make them rethink the decision to ever trust you. The depths of your failures are matched only by the heights of my success. There is no mask adequate to occlude your shame. It is time for the superior Ophidian to warm his cold-blooded skin in the light.

Sssshhh...

Blog: Kobald (11.13.17)

Posted: November 13, 2017

DEAR OLEG,

It’s me, your FAVORITE goblin, KOBALD! Since you BLOCKED me on just about every other type of communication, this is my only way of getting a message out to you.

Every waking moment since you FIXED me on May 6th of this year has been an absolute blast! Who knew all it would take to FIX me would be an act of pure, brutal strength combined with pinpoint accuracy & sincere selflessness? Oh, I know this one… It was ME! I knew it the whole time! I BEGGED you for months!! Even so, I am very appreciative of what you did for me & continue to do for me. For that, you are my IDOL! It’s not every day that you get to meet your idol, let alone TEAM WITH THEM! For me, the last 6 months have been a dream, but, for you, Oleg, the last 6 months haven’t been so kind. Looking back at the last several events, I believe the only match you won since you corrected my cranium was the match where you tagged with me in North Carolina at “The Parting of Ways” (Now available on CHIKARAPRO.COM!!!)

At first, I thought this losing streak of yours would make for a great story, a way to get the people behind us. Losing each & every singles match would bring you closer to me. BUT, BUT, BUT - here’s where it gets interesting - we would WIN every tag match together! You eventually see how successful you are with me by your side & we inevitably win 3 points & challenge Los Ice Creams for Los Campeonatos de Parejas. There’s no way we'd lose, THEY ARE THE STINKING ICE CREAMS! THEY ARE THE WORST TAG TEAM IN CHIKARA HISTORY!

I had it all planned out. After we win those tag belts, we hold & defend Los Campeonatos longer than any team ever. We hold onto those belts until CHIKARA gets bought out by Titan Sports in 2022. Our contracts carry over & we are heavily involved in an invasion angle that, overall, falls below expectations. After a few months of build, we are involved in a title unification match with the Young Bucks, Paul London & Spanky, and Super Dragon & Davey Richards…

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*Webmaster's Note: I've cut about 12 pages of utter absurdity from this letter to conserve space and sanity.
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…where we both get inducted into the Hall of Fame at Wrestlemelancholy 60 as the most decorated tag team in wrestling history!!!!!!!!!!!!

But now I see that your losing streak has gone on for too long. Things are not going according to plan. I have to be pretty upfront with you, Oleg. For all my plans to come true, something significant needs to change, & fast. I may be a bit UNCONVENTIONAL, but I am no idiot. It is YOU that has NOT been putting in 100% effort. I have already been part of an unsuccessful team. Remember The Batiri?? Sadly, I do as well. Not a single title or accolade in 7 years. I don’t have the patience to go through that level of disappointment again. There’s a reason why I am the last member of The Batiri & if you don’t want to end up like the other two, I suggest you try your best to STOP! LOSING! SO! MUCH!!!

Oleg, I will always be your biggest fan, but if you don’t pick up the slack, I may soon be the last fan you have left.

-Kobald

P.S. HOPE TO SEE YOU FOR THANKSGIVING! I WILL LEAVE THE SEAT AT THE END OF THE TABLE FOR YOU! HOPE YOU LIKE TOILET TURKEY!