Blog: Kobald (6.28.17)
OLEG, OLEG, OLEG, OLEG!!! I did it! I just got off the crystal ball with Quackenbush, the DOF! I’m so excited! It’s a dream come true! It’s everything I ever wanted!!! It only took 58 texts & calls, but I got it done! I emailed, @’d, FB’d & DM’d you on every social media outlet, but… You have me blocked!! Here’s hoping someone will send this to you…
You must still be upset for losing to Missile! Assault! Man! at Aniversario. You definitely DROPPED THE ONION (literally!), but that’s water under the bridge. I FORGIVE YOU, just like I forgave you for siding with The Flood & Duke, the big man that broke my spine. We all make mistakes, even those as Mighty as Oleg! Besides, you beat MAM at Aniversario 2 years ago, so consider the score even! Everyone needs tough opponents to grow & become stronger. WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY NEWS! (Kobald is best at segues.)
So the big news is… I got a match FOOOOORRRRRRRRR YOUUUUUUU! It’s a great opportunity for you to make up for the whole Flood thing & prove to everyone what I already know: #OlegIsTheBest! It is the LEAST I could do for you for fixing me at the Eleventh Hour! On July 8th, in Gibsonville, North Carolina, Oleg the Usurper - the man with the biggest muscles, the best moves, & the burliest of beards has a match!!! Guess who your tag partner is! GUESS! DO YOU KNOW WHO IT IS?! DO YOU?!? CAN YOU FEEL IT IN YOUR BONES?!? IT’S ME! KOBALD! OLEG & KOBALD!!!!!
I am ready to do what’s necessary to get our FIRST point towards the CDP. I did a good job, right??? RIGHT?! BUT THAT’S NOT ALL!!!! I have ANOTHER SURPRISE FOR YOU COME JULY 8th!!! Just you wait! I’VE NEVER BEEN SO EXCITED! See you in 2 weeks!
OLEG & KOBALD!!! clap clap clapclapclap OLEG & KOBALD!!! clap clap clapclapclap
Blog: The Whisper (6.21.17)
The time of stories and implanted memories is over. Missile Assault Man, I’ve tried time and time again to get you to notice me, only to be brushed off each time. Now though, you have a great threat standing before you. On July 8th you face the Grand Champion of CHIKARA, Juan Francisco de Coronado...and to prevail, you’re going to need my help.
Before that however, you have a battle of your own that must take precedent, a battle that, until this point, no one else has cared enough to help you even fight...let alone win. I’ve read through the dark pages of your past, and I know what haunts your existence. I’ve seen the tortuous times that you’ve endured and I’ve seen what they did to your mind. I care about what you’ve been through, Missile. It’s no secret, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder plagues your thoughts, pollutes your brain. I know the truth, I know YOU. Through your words I’ve met the man behind the chaos and I have the tools to bring that man out.
The power you need to defeat the Champion is at your fingertips, but it is your own thoughts that hold you back; Hypnotherapy is the answer to your ailment. I’ll not make you dance, nor toy with your head, I’ll provide for you the strength to overcome your obstacles. I’ll set you free of the thoughts that will keep you from victory. Only I have the skills to do this.
A clear-minded perspective on life is what you need in order to reach the ultimate triumph. A triumph over not only the Grand Champion, but more importantly, a triumph over your greatest enemy: yourself. Missile Assault Man, play time is over, and if you want to walk out of Gibsonville, North Carolina with gold, you need me. I am the end to your suffering. I am the beginning of a future bright enough to overshadow even your dark path. I am the answer to your silent cries for help; they’ve fallen on deaf ears for long enough. The Silence will set you free.
Blog: Sonny Defarge (5.25.17)
To whom it may concern,
This Saturday the world over shall celebrate the 15th anniversary of CHIKARA. The fact was recently brought to my attention that the unmannerly cyclists known as Dez Peloton have accomplished the feat of achieving three points and have earned the right to contend, on this day, against my business associate, Mr. Crummels, and I, in yet another feeble attempt to remove the Campeonatos de Parejas from our well-deserved possession. To this I say good luck to you gentlemen.
Throughout our storied and successful careers as businessmen and combatants alike, Mr. Crummels and I have amassed many treasures, prizes and awards. For as long as I can remember men and women of a lesser capacity for success have attempted to pilfer what we have earned through precision and teamwork. The situation found here involving the detestable cyclists is no different than these past attempts save for one detail; Dez Peloton has defeated us in the past. No other team in CHIKARA can legitimately make such a claim. However, Mr. Crummels and I are more than prepared to face this obnoxious team once more because, as we have proven in the past, in spite of the vigorous training through which they put their bodies and minds, Dez Peloton cannot function under high pressure conditions.
Mr. Crummels and I perseverate in our success in the face of doubters and multiple attempts at the expropriation of the titles that we have earned through innumerable legitimate victories the likes of which are unheard-of in both the realms of business and professional combat sports. Meanwhile we continuously find Dez Peloton sharing kale recipes and personal records in their fitness-related outings. Mr. Crummels finds himself, now, in need of medical attention after having fallen ill during a business venture in Kiribati the likes of which many wouldn't understand. However he trains still! (Though we will be accepting donations in favor of his health fund, as well as pledges and contributions to benefit our training. We now accept bitcoin!) Meanwhle, Jasper Tippins couldn't even be bothered to appear in the Infinite Gauntlet. The lack of determination is apparent.
All of this to say that we have proven in the past, over the course of three seasons, that we, CHIKARA's legitimate businessmen, are the greatest tag team to have ever graced the sport of professional wrestling with its performance. Dez Peloton has only succeeded in proving the durability of their quadriceps over long distances. Hardly enough to compete with the Campeones de Parejas.
In conclusion, sirs/and or madams, Dez Peloton will ride their momentum all the way to the Aniversario event in Hellertown, PA and that is where their momentum will stop. Legitimate business will prevail through an attempted hostile takeover, yet again, while the gears rust, the chains seize, and the pedals stop moving. And every good businessman knows that when a bicycle's pedals stop moving, the only thing left for a bicycle to do is collapse.
As always, for this and all of the business ventures shared by Mr. Crummels and I, I have some great expectations.