Blog: Juan Francisco de Coronado (5.12.16)
My name is Juan Francisco de Coronado. In Ecuador, we have a very popular phrase that says "nice guys finish last." In my time here at CHIKARA, this has never been more true! I live by this motto and because of it, it has propelled my career to legendary status. Too many people in the United Stations get caught up "doing the right thing" and "being a fair competitor," but it's those very same United Staters that fall victim to defeat. I am living proof that if you want to win and be successful, you will do anything and EVERYTHING in your power to do so.
"Mr. Touchdown" Mark Angelosetti has proved that he too will do what it takes to win. He will stop at nothing, even if he has to use a loaded elbow pad, rely on outside interference, or even employ a steel chair! I know the kind of man Mark Angelosetti is, and I know his ruthlessness disappoints some of you. No one is probably more disappointed than one Dasher Hatfield. You'll do well to remember: disappointed and surprised are two different things.
Mark, you are neither ally nor friend. As Ecuador's national treasure, I have no shortage of friends anyway. I don't need your feeble-minded acceptance. This past weekend however, you've made the mistake of thinking you can run amok in my playground. CHIKARA is my domain, and you are like a pathetic stray dog that needs to be put down. You cost me my chance at the Campeonatos de Parejas as I single-handedly had N_R_G beat! You framed me and that incompetent official played right into your little trick. Fortunately, I am nothing if not a brilliant strategenarian. Even if Prakash Sabar failed in our tag team match with N_R_G, I knew opportunity awaited in the Infinite Gauntlet. The odds were in my favor, entering in the most coveted spot, #33, the very final entrant. And again, the mangy mutt of CHIKARA rears his flea-bitten face.
If you think you are ready to play chess with the master, Mr. Touchdown, I will humor you. But the board will be of my design. On June 11th in Philadelphia of the United Stations, you will face me, one final time, in a No Disqualification match at "Tightrope"! Yes, anything goes, open playing field, all the tricks are legal because the rulebook is out on this one! Mark you are a very powerful, very skillful competitor, but you are as we say in Ecuador, "dumb as a box of rocks." You want so desperately to convince the world - and your own family - that you are not what we all know you to be.
On June 11th, there will be no rules. Nothing is off limits. We both know your strength and skill will never be enough to beat me. Especially in a match of this type. Show your true colors, dog. And prepare to scurry off, licking your wounds, when the Ecuadorian Aristocrat is done with you.
Blog: Steve "The Turtle" Weiner (4.25.16)
It has been far too long my friends. I know time is of importance, so I’ll just get straight to the point, and for once keep it simple. To the Director of Fun Mr. Mike Quackenbush, my math may be off on this, but last I checked it has been about 6 years since my last match inside a CHIKARA ring. Since then, a lot of important events have gone on. First of all, you have crowned 3 new Grand Champions, second of all you finally completed the New England cycle and visited my home state of Rhode Island, third of all you held a year long "Challenge of the Immortals." I missed out being a part of all of them. So when I heard through the grapevines that there was going to be an Infinite Gauntlet held in May, I knew that this is FINALLY my chance to come home.
You see from my point of view, winning this Gauntlet, winning a Golden Opportunity, is just the start. A victory of this scale, means that I am just one match away from the most important prize of them all, The Grand Championship. I can think of no higher honor than to say I was just once the Grand Champion of CHIKARA. So Mr. Quackenbush I am formally asking you to grant me a spot in this Infinite Gauntlet. Plus, if you can let the Prince of Queens enter this match, then surely there must be room for the Mayor of New England and President of the Turtle Club. ME!
IT’S TIME TO SHELL UP!!!
Blog: Amasis (4.5.16)
Tag World Grand Prix...one of CHIKARA's finest spectacles...and also a personal favorite of Yours Truly. On April 2nd, the world witnessed the reunion of one of THE BEST tag teams in the game today: The Osirian Portal. And in front of us, we had possibly the biggest challenge in the entire tournament, the last-minute additions TDT, from Quebec. No time to prepare. No time to scout. It was do or die.
They took us to our limit and we took them to theirs, It took so much out us that neither team could answer the 20 count and the match ended before any of us were ready. We couldn't let it go down like that. Not at the Tag World Grand Prix. Not with so much at stake. Whoever left the Wrestle Factory that night in victory was walking out with enough points for an immediate title shot.
In the spirit of competition we had the match restarted and the well-oiled machine that is the Osirian Portal manned up, and rallied to finally get the best of TDT and advance to the semi-final round. But then these French-Canadian lumberjacks showed everyone in attendance the meaning of "sore loser." No sooner are Ophidian and I declared the winners, TDT attack us, leave us battered and bruised, and in far worse shape than we should have been considering what awaited us just hours later: The Devastation Corporation.
The opportunity we wanted was taken from us because TDT couldn't handle defeat. They couldn't accept that on that day, in the middle of the ring, The Osirian Portal was the better tag team. Maybe they still can't accept it. Well The Osirian Portal wants revenge, and maybe you need to face facts, TDT. Lace up those boots, get out you best flannel shirts and knuckle up, boys. Because May 7th is the date, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania is the location, and it will be TDT vs. The Osirian Portal: Part Deux!! Ya dig?!?!?!?