October 2014

Blog: Eddie Kingston (10.31.14)

Posted: October 31, 2014

Look, I’m just gonna put this right out there. Ain’t no need to write a book about it. Deucalion, Jimmy Jacobs and everybody in their little band of maniacs want a war? Okay - guess they need to find out why Eddie Kingston is called the WAR KING.

You know, me and Archibald Peck weren’t all buddy-buddy, but the one thing I can say about that guy is that he breathed and he bled CHIKARA the same as me. The same as Icarus. The same as all the boys in the locker room who come out there to take a stand against The Flood’s attacks. When we all saw Peck laying in that ring, motionless, there wasn’t a wrestler there who didn’t want to take the fight right up to The Flood’s front doorstep! Not one who didn’t want to drag each of them out of their beds in the middle of the night, onto the street, and leave them beaten and broken in the gutter. I know I did.

Archibald Peck was the last of our team you take down, Flood. On my word! You want to try and pick us off one at a time? How about we take out your whole army, partnah? Come with your kamikaze attacks again! I dare ya! There’s a few of you I’ve got my eye on to take out personally.

You know what, that’s a lie. There’s only one of you I’ve got my eye on to take out personally. That’s you, Jimmy Jacobs.

Fool me once, shame on me - right? I’ll admit. You knew how to get to me, Jimmy. You knew the one thing that would make me blind enough to ever follow your plans. Her. That’s right, Jimmy. I did it for Her. But you know what, Jimmy? You know what I saw when Icarus gave Her back to me at King of Trios? I saw myself, reflected in the gold plate that reads Grand Champion of CHIKARA. And I knew I wasn’t the champion that she deserved...not yet.

She represents all of CHIKARA, Jimmy. And you tried to turn Her into some cheap prize by playing on my obsessions. Well, congratulations. Now my obsession is with you. Because once I get my hands on you. Once I get my FISTS on you, then I can show Her how much she means to me by getting rid of a cancer like you.

The Flood is a disease, Jimmy Jacobs. But it’s not going to take out CHIKARA, and it’s not going to take out the Last of a Dying Breed, Eddie Kingston. It’s going to be destroyed. Completely.


Blog: Gavin Loudspeaker (10.29.14)

Posted: October 29, 2014

Monsters are real. I know. I’ve seen one face to face. I still see that soulless stare every time I close my eyes. And this creature has taken away many of my friends.

The trip back from from Richmond was a particularly silent one. We left late, everything moving slower than normal. Packing up took twice as long. It was as if we didn’t want to stay, but it was too difficult to hurry and leave. Who knows how long we sat in silence at that road-side greasy spoon, staring into our cups of coffee between quick sips. We were still on the road by sunrise. The silhouettes of the power lines alongside the highway looked like a neatly lined row of tombstones against the horizon’s glow. That’s about where I lost it. The boys must have thankfully been sleeping, so it was easy to hide being choked up as a stifled cough. The tears helped refresh my eyes for the rest of the ride.

Archibald Peck, you left us too soon. All of our recently decimated friends have. Kobald. ThunderFrog. So many others. Too many!

Whatever the destination at the end of that tunnel, I hope it’s a place that can appreciate the ray of light you were to CHIKARA. May it be warmed by the intensity of your charm and joy. We will miss you, my wacky friend. I didn’t have a chance to thank you for all the color and life you gave to our family. Most importantly, I didn’t have the chance to thank you for saving me from the clutches of Deucalion. And we all couldn’t thank you enough for tipping the scales at National Pro Wrestling Day to save CHIKARA itself.

We never seem to appreciate what we have until its gone. Trite but true. Hard to reconcile when you’re also told “nothing lasts forever.” So while we still have this day, we will fight for every minute of it. Those of us that remain to continue fighting do so for everyone that cannot. We can’t live in fear of what we will lose, instead we’ll live bravely in the opportunities of what we can gain. If nothing else, we can strive to leave a legacy like those of our heroes sacrificed in battle. Like yours, Archibald Peck. You’ll forever be one of my heroes.


Blog: Mr. Azerbaijan (10.23.14)

Posted: October 24, 2014

Not since the year two thousand and the three has Mr. Azerbaijan felt so treated unfairly. Of course, Mr. Azerbaijan is being referred to year of coal miner strike which cause Sexiest Man in Azerbaijan contest to be cancelled. Breaking Mr. Azerbaijan Sexiest Man in Azerbaijan streak since the year nineteen ninety and the four. Azerbaijani winters make hard to be sexy with frostbite. That is why Mr. Azerbaijan grow sexy mustache. Mr. Azerbaijan have sexiest mustache in CHIKARA, no doubt. Perhaps maybe Hasher Datfield and Jervis Cottonman. But Mr. Azerbaijan digress.

When Bloc Party lose Flag Match against dirty Baltic Seige, Bloc Party are made to be suffering terrible humiliations. In Azerbaijan it is against Azerbaijan law to wave flag not of Azerbaijan if one is from Azerbaijan. Mr. Azerbaijan’s name is not Mr. Latvia. Mr. Azerbaijan is more sexier than Mr. Latvia, Mr. Estonia and Mr. Lithuania combined. To make matters more bad, The Polar Baron has forsaken the Bloc Party and returned to the Motherland. Upon the leaving, Polar Baron have accidentally taken immigration documents for the Bloc Party. It is unknown at this time where is Polar Baron located because polar icecaps have melt away.

So, the Bloc Party cannot return to native land without papers and Bloc Party is not legal to stay. Bloc Party is literally outlaws in United America! The Proletariat Boar of Moldova is forced to call the road his home now. Prakash Sabar is an exile from Pakistan. And if Mr. Azerbaijan cannot return to yak farm in Jelilabad, Mr. Azerbaijan is only half the man of Mr. Azerbaijan’s name.

Soon it will be new year and time for next Sexiest Man in Azerbaijan contest. If Mr. Azerbaijan cannot return to Azerbaijan to compete, all of the CHIKARA will be made to pay! We are political prisoners with no political affiliation. CHIKARA will be turned upsided-down, rightsided up and turned down for what until justice is served.

Recently, at the King of all Trios, Bloc Party make meeting of retired wrestler Sean Waltman. Sean Waltman is now biggest fan of Bloc Party and consumes all merchandise like capitalist Americans always consume. Bloc Party even walk Sean Waltman to his car until Mr. One Two and the Three have two words for Bloc Party...“beat it.”

“Beat it.” Beat it is exactly what Bloc Party is going to do # 1 fan Sean Waltman - Bloc Party will beat it to this political injustice. Bloc Party will beat it to all misfortune. And Bloc Party will beat it into face of anyone in Bloc Party’s way. It starts with you, Ants Colony in the south country! Bloc Party will do what Bloc Party want to whoever Bloc Party want to do it against. The party may be over, but new age of generation will be replacing!

-Mr. Az

Blog: UltraMantis Black (10.21.14)

Posted: October 21, 2014

DELIRIOUS, you babbling neanderthal!!! How dare you intercede in The Spectral Envoy’s match at King of Trios! Were you not aware of our destiny to repeat our win from the last tournament? Surely we would have advanced to defeat The Devastation Corporation as we have done in the past. Instead, The Spectral Envoy was eliminated on the first night due to your interloping. The first night! That is categorically unacceptable!

Do not think I have forgotten about your pledge to harass me for the last two years, either. As if your unwelcome, unintelligible phone calls in the wee hours of the morning, interrupting my much needed slumber, were not enough to constantly remind me. However, if costing The Spectral Envoy our due at King of Trios is the worst pain you can inflict, your threats have amounted to little more than annoyances.

You “remember everything,” do you? Well then, remember that Hallowicked and Frightmare no longer follow your incoherence. No, they now stand with me as The Spectral Envoy. Remember also that the men you call allies were once your own former enemies. And above all remember this: there is none more dangerous, devious and diabolical than UltraMantis Black!

So try as you may to intimidate me, Delirious, you will only reap the whirlwind. You're not the first, nor will you be the last. It is your time that is running out. Two months, deluded lunatic. UltraMantis Black vows that The Flood will be no more! CHIKARA will stand triumphant. Run and tell your masters. You and your cohorts will be vanquished to the infernal pits from whence you were spawned.


Blog: Sidney Bakabella (10.16.14)

Posted: October 16, 2014

To whom it may concern,

With the King of the Trio weekend in my rearview mirror, I need to focus on the glorious future of my Wrecking Crew. The Devastation Corporation did exactly what I told everyone they would do. They won the King of the Trio Tournament. Max, Blaster, & Flex are the most dominant Trio in any territory. They’ve sold out the Sportatorium more than the Freebirds and the Von Erichs COMBINED!

Switching directions for a bit, I am equally as proud of Jaka & Oleg the Usurper. They defeated 9 other teams in a grueling match all by themselves, and looked handsome doing it! They were exhausted at the end, but thanks to their superior wrestling ability, they outlasted Ice Cream cones, real British guys, probably fake British guys, mummies & snakes! The grueling match took its toll on my boys. I had to cancel Oleg’s two week run in Vancouver for Al Tomko. (He doesn't pay merch royalties, anyway.) Oleg deserved a vacation after that glorious victory and I sent him to Finland to relax. He’ll be back in time for North Carolina & Virginia and better than ever.

Jaka has legal issues when it comes to travel. You see, because of a recent misunderstanding in regards to an attack of Oliver North, he's currently not "allowed" to leave the state. Well, my lawyer, the great Johnnie Cochran is on the case! While he won't be free in time for the North Carolina and Virginia territory, I’m hoping to have him sprung in time to go to Fiji to watch him beat up Jimmy Snuka’s father. As far as the CHIKARA promotion goes, I always have a back-up plan! Oleg needs a tag partner, and I have a Corporation full of guys ready to hit the pay window.

See ya round the loop kid,

Sidney Bakabella

sent from my typewriter

Blog: Worker Ant (10.14.14)

Posted: October 14, 2014

I remember that night at the Palmer Center: 5.25.14. We had just beaten the King of Trios medals off of The Colony: Xtreme Force. They never deserved to have them in the first place. Wink just gave it to them because they were his pet project. We were the real deal. The real Colony. And we finally had our medals back.

Except, I didn’t deserve the one I was holding. I didn’t earn it. Soldier Ant did. Just like I was now filling the legacy of Worker Ant, I was here representing The Colony. But I never put that medal around my neck. Matter of fact, my first thought was about how I was going to get it back to the man who put in the hard work to win it.

Then came this year’s King of Trios. I’d been pumped to get a chance to get in there with my boys. Earn my own medal. Make The Colony the first two-time winners of this tournament. We even got as far as Night 2 when the supports were bulldozed from under our feet.

I wasn’t completely surprised to see Soldier Ant attacking one of our own. He showed everybody what side he stood on at "You Only Live Twice." We all go through that moment when we’ve got to make a critical decision at where our loyalties lie. I made mine at National Pro Wrestling Day. Then he made his.

Soldier Ant chose The Flood.

I don’t know what made him turn on his band of brothers, but I’m not one to make excuses for people who’ve decided to become our enemy. Soldier Ant won’t catch us unprepared again. He used to be a leader within The Colony, now he’s nothing but a mindless grunt in an army of human shields protecting their sick bosses. Just another wall to be knocked down.

Soldier Ant, this battle is unfinished Colony business. Time to go to work. You're dismissed.


Blog: Jakob Hammermeier (10.7.14)

Posted: October 07, 2014


Ever since day one Jakob has made it evident that he has only had one goal: Respekt.

None of you respected Jakob. Not the BDK, not the CHIKARMY, und especially not Gavin Loudspeaker! You all pitied poor ol' Jakob, didn't you? I DON'T NEED YOUR PITY! Pity is for the weak und helpless. Save it for each other.

Jakob has been overlooked since the first time he stepped into that CHIKARA ring. A mistake for which many will pay. Ares being the first to pick up the tab. How you disappointed me, Ares.

I waited, and waited, and waaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiittttttttted. 475 days Jakob waited. Pinpointing exactly how to move against mein former mentor, the "mastermind" of the BDK, Ares. Did you sense for even a second the plot against you? JAKOB WITH THE EYE OF TYR?!?!?! Hah! Let's allow this lesson in oversight to be the BDK's parting gift to you, Herr Ares.

Make no mistake CHIKARA. Jakob, the rightful ruler of Der Bruderschaft Des Kreuzes will once and for all extract his Respekt. I will not beg for it. I will take it.


Blog: Mike Quackenbush (10.3.14)

Posted: October 03, 2014

Two weeks ago, CHIKARA lost two of the newest members of our family, Equinox and Create-A-Wrestler. Before that, The Latvian Proud Oak, his Baltic Seige partner The Estonian ThunderFrog, Kobald...even deviANT from the GEKIDO. All of them destroyed by the man/monster, that has plagued and plotted against us. I'm referring to the leader of The Flood, Deucalion. Too many have fallen to this psychotic villain. The Flood have run roughshod over CHIKARA.

And it’s all my fault.

I take full responsibility for the losses to the people in my charge. That guilt is mine to bear. At National Pro Wrestling Day, I was merely a spectator. I witnessed the fight between CHIKARA and The Flood like everyone else. I was proud of what these men stood for and the valiant effort they made to push back the largest army of invaders CHIKARA has ever faced. I knew it wasn’t the end of this battle, but I felt certain The Flood wouldn’t try such a direct attack again.

I was wrong. I was wrong and someone paid the ultimate price.

No sooner did CHIKARA owner Robbie Ellis appoint me Director of Fun (back at "You Only Live Twice,") by CHIKARA owner Robbie Ellis I made it a point to let everyone in the locker room know I was committed to them, and most importantly, their safety. However, when The Flood returned at the close of the event I imagined it would be a repeat of NPWD. But I was wrong. This time, they would bring their deadliest weapon - their leader, Deucalion. A savage engine of destruction that absorbed Kobald’s spear as if it were nothing. Then Deucalion took the light from Kobald's body and left him crumpled motionless in the middle of the ring.

Anyone questioning why CHIKARA didn’t spill out of the locker room in Boston when Deucalion emerged again can blame me. I stopped them from rushing headstrong into another battle. It all happened in the blink of an eye. The orders to pull ThunderFrog from the ring went unheard over the clamoring of the crowd. We couldn’t communicate the danger in time and once again I had destruction on my hands.

Then came CHIKARA’s most recent event, the massive King of Trios 2014, where Kid Cyclone and his classmates defied their trainers' mandate and called Deucalion out. The hubris of youth lead them to slaughter. And like sand, the charges I swore to protect slipped out of my grasp.

It was then I realized that the harder I tried to hold these brave warriors back, the more I made them powerless to defend and protect themselves, to protect our home. My days of leading the charge onto the battlefield are now in the rear-view mirror. I cannot stand the thought of the recently-reborn CHIKARA losing another star...we cannot sustain another loss. We cannot.

I must step out of their way. Let them take the fight to our foes. There’s no lack of valiant locker room leaders to lead the charge. Our Grand Champion, Icarus, the man who stoked the embers of CHIKARA until it rose from the ashes, is only the tip of the sword.

It was Edmund Burke that said “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.” Those who fight for CHIKARA must be empowered to wage war, or The Flood will wash us away. Now we must fight, unrestrained. We cannot be deterred. We cannot fail. We cannot.