January 2015

Blog: Race Jaxon (1.23.15)

Posted: January 23, 2015



YOOOOOO CHIKARA!!! "The Generator" Race Jaxon here, ready and waiting with unquenchable thirst for the season 15 premiere of CHIKARA!! I tell ya I simply can't sleep!!! I'm just so hyped, so so so so sooooo hyped up about it! Speaking of Hype he's here too, taking us all along the beautiful American Countryside, throwing dropkicks, snatching headlocks, and having a BLAST like only the adrenaline pumping N_R_G can!

Hype...Hype, man. HYPE! HYPE!!! Sorry, Hype was dozing off...I don't know what's been up with him lately, always zoning out at the wheel. Sometimes it's like Hype, HYPE, HYPE!!! C'mon, man. I'm making the same towns as you, keep it together...creeping out all the regulars, looking all droopy.

MISSILE ASSAULT ANT! ARCTIC RESCUE ANT! I could not be more amped about our match at "A New Start"! Beyond my excitement for the ECW Arena, beyond my excitement for delicious cheesesteaks, I am so excited to lock it up and show The Xtreme Force and the whole CHIKARMY just how EXTREME N_R_G can get!

Last time we locked up with ol' Missile and Arctic they got the better of us, but that was in a gauntlet match filled with other teams. It was ages ago! In a different time and a different place. We've driven thousands of miles since then and now we're far more ready to show you what being supercharged is all about!



Blog: Icarus (1.21.15)

Posted: January 21, 2015

After the dust settles, there's this moment of serenity that washes over you in a euphoric wave. Surrounded by joy and filled with love, and yet...you hear the faintest noise from over the horizon inside your mind.

On May 25, 2014 I remember hearing the air being sucked out of the room and footsteps of an army heading toward me, and I knew the universe was about to immediately correct its balance. On December 6th, I looked down on a slain monster. The dust had settled. I was surrounded by love and joy, and felt an amazing rush wash over me. However, I knew deep down these laurels could not be rested upon.

I heard that tiny voice (actually it was more like a little girl's scream) melodically chime in to the back of my head. "He will be next." That knot in my stomach that had been tied since he secured his three points in August slowly began to uncoil.

There is no one I've shared the ring with more in this life than the one and only "Kentucky Gentleman" himself. Thinking about all the memories that I've made with Chuck Taylor over the past 7 years brings a smile to my lips and a manly tear to my eye. Chuck Taylor is without a doubt one of the finest wrestlers to grace the CHIKARA ring. I knew this in 2006 when Akuma and I scouted him to join F.I.S.T. I knew it when we stood side by side defending los Campeonatos de Parejas. I knew it when I stood on the apron and watched him make Daniel Bryan tap out and we won King of Trios. I still feel this way today. I can understand why he doesn't hold himself in the same high esteem that I hold him in. Unfortunately for both of us, that reason is around my waist.

I'm Dottie holding the ball firmly in my hand and watching Kit round third, and it's breaking my heart.

Here comes a man, I've come to love as a brother, barreling toward me intent on taking home the big victory for the Belles. In my head, I know I can't let the Peaches down. And in my head, I know I am more than capable of pulling off a victory...but I question my heart with every ticking second. My heart that sees a man who just needs a little vindication to prove to not only his peers, but also himself, that he is worthy of praise. A man who has fought to acquire three consecutive singles wins to get the shot at the championship...who am I to deny him?

I helped bring CHIKARA back from extinction. I won the Grand Championship with a concussion. I eradicated a monster inside of a steel cage. I am CHIKARA. I relish challenges. On January 25, Chuck Taylor better step up to the plate with all he's got. I fought this hard to win this prestigious title, imagine what I'll do to keep it.


Blog: Jakob Hammermeier (1.19.15)

Posted: January 19, 2015

The ever-growing brilliance und cunning of Jakob continues to outdo even the most dastardly of minds. Anyday somebody outwits und out-strategizes CHIKARA's finest is a good day, but the "Cibernetico Royale" was just the beginning for the Bruderschaft's new mastermind. After all, JAKOB came up with the best line-up ever, und JAKOB'S team won on 6 December!

CHIKARMY, do you ever feel a little down? Holiday blues maybe? Do you want to know what always cheers me up? I just close mein eyes und replay the image of my own personal monster smashing both members of The Osirian Portal into the ground at the Cibernetico.

Works every time.


This Sunday while Pinkie und myself take care of The Colony (with some possible assistance from Soldier Ant,) you have the privilege of being express mailed to Valhalla by Nøkken, MEIN NØKKEN. As this massive mammoth has already amassed 2 points, you und you alone are standing between the new BDK's first chance to capture the Grand Championship of CHIKARA.

You have no idea how excited I am at the thought of bringing glory back to the Bruderschaft where it rightfully belongs in the form of the most coveted title in professional wrestling. As you will come to learn, Hammermeier-type leadership will one day become a widely-used figure of speech. We begin to etch it into the wrestling lexicon this Sunday in Philadelphia.


Blog: Kevin Condron (1.15.15)

Posted: January 15, 2015

Sits like a man but he smiles like a reptile
She love him, she love him but just for a short while.

The people are talking. I’ve struck a nerve. I’ve lowered myself to the level of the very monsters I fight, but dirty hands are oft-seen signs of progress.

Eddie Kingston has already resorted to petty name calling. He’s thrown jabs at my physical appearance. I know what’s next - violence.

As is tradition, Eddie Kingston will resort to violence in his attempts to silence me. But this is chess, not checkers. I already know his next three moves and I’ve planned for them accordingly. But here’s something to consider, Kingston:

If you beat me like you want to beat me, you will undoubtedly receive a “castigo excesivo” call. Then you’ll lose your points. You don’t want that now do you? Can you even show restraint, War King? Do you even know what mercy is? A true King should. A true leader would. You are neither of those things. And I’m here to expose you.

6 months ago you couldn’t pick me out of a line-up, right? Those are your words. That means you have no clue what I’m capable of. But you do know where I learned my craft, don’t you? The same place you learned, Eddie. I was taught the same disciplines, the same holds, and I have the same hungry heart that you had, once upon a time.

Your greatest opponents have been my instructors. I’ve had a front-row seat to your greatest hits for years, Eddie. Your quiet weaknesses have come to me through months of studying and meditation. You think that your knee is an obvious target? What about your heart? You wear it so brazenly on your sleeve like no one will ever reach in and tear it out. But I will. I will peel away the War King's layers, like a white onion, until I expose your rotten core.

A lust for gold exists within all men, but it consumes the heart that beats within Eddie Kingston. He has fooled you and earned your support and I must make an example of him. So on January 25th, I will rip out Eddie Kingston’s heart with a smile on my face.


Blog: Worker Ant (1.13.15)

Posted: January 13, 2015

A New Year, a New Season & A New Start! January 25th, 2015, CHIKARA is back!! Better than it EVER was! What a way to start back up, am I right? I mean you not only have CHIKARA starting anew but it will be at our old stomping grounds, the ECW Arena (now called the 2300 Arena) in South Philadelphia! Plus, you can't have a CHIKARA event without some trios action! That's where The Colony comes into play.

First up, you got the hottest property in ALL of professional wrestling, Fire Ant! You got the super-slick submission specialist Silver Ant and you have The Black & Blue Bruiser himself, me, Worker Ant! Every time I step into the ring with Fire and Silver at my side, I gotta remind myself...this is another chance to prove myself. To show everyone that I deserve my spot. It's been a long road for me to gain acceptance, to gain respect, and to become a real member of The Colony. I want to see The Colony ascend to new heights, that's my vision for the New Year.

On January 25 though, we are being chased by ghosts of the past. Jakob Hammermeier put together a winning team last month at the Torneo Cibernetico. He's put together a dangerous team for "A New Start" as well. Years ago, Pinkie Sanchez infiltrated The Colony under the mask of Carpenter Ant, only to be revealed as a sleeper agent of the BDK. There's a lot of bad blood there, believe me. But that's not all. Jakob has also recruited Soldier Ant. And that burns me. It burns us all.

We all wondered what happened to Soldier Ant while he was off the grid. Heard he was roaming the globe. But the Soldier Ant that returned to CHIKARA is a far cry from the one who left. Is there even a trace of that old Soldier Ant in there? Guess we're gonna have to find out the hard way.

Less than 2 weeks until we're on the clock again. Get ready fellas, we're punching back in & we're not leaving until THE JOB IS DONE!!


Blog: Ophidian (1.9.15)

Posted: January 09, 2015

We live in an age where the Deities Amasis and I worship are all but a myth. Children's shows and history channels make a mockery of those we think of as omnipotent. They even go so far as to say Sekhmet and Osiris may have never existed at all. To be honest, even I now question the power and authority of the ancient Egyptian Deities.

A war was waged within CHIKARA and the men who fought it had to evolve. Men who once wore smiles on their faces are now equipped with gritted teeth. They've allowed a monstrous side to meld with their righteousness. All who surround me have shed their past, their light-hearted demeanor, or their lackadaisical ways. They have transformed into heroes. Transformed into fearless warriors. The Osirian Portal on the other hand, have not.

I am no stranger to molting. Yet, I've allowed The Osirian Portal to stagnate. What did we do last year? I rested on two points to contend for the Grand Championship. Not once did I press for a third. Amasis couldn't make it past the Rey de Voladores eliminator in September. Together, we endured a semi-final loss in the Tag World Grand Prix. Perhaps our misfortune was at the dishonorable hand of others, but it was our stagnant state which allowed those hands to manifest our defeat.

Season 15 will not be a repeat of Season 14. I will not look to Egyptian Deities for help. I do not need to ask our peers for a solution. I already know the answer to our dilemma. Change is the answer. Something has to change. Something will change.


Blog: Sidney Bakabella (1.7.15)

Posted: January 07, 2015

From the desk of Sidney Bakabella:

When Fritz looked at this wisecracking Yankee kid and told him he’d never amount to a hill of beans, never in his wildest dreams did he imagine he was talking to ME, Sidney Bakabella - the King of All Managers, to quote that hirsute windbag Gavin Loudspeaker. 2014 was the year of Sidney Bakabella! Who else cleaned out every pay windah from Saskatoon to Witchita? Not Freddie Blassie, not Captain Lou. Not Pringle, Skaaland, or even The Grand Wizard. Me.

You don’t need any further proof than the King of the Trios to know Sidney Bakabella’s Wrecking Crew dominated all of CHIKARA. Tag Team Gauntlet, Oleg the Usurper and Jaka disposed of ten teams to win decisively over those malnourished middle-schoolers, The Osirian Portal. My team The Devastation Corporation put on a clinic over the course of three days. Not only did they have the toughest opponents in the entire competition, but they came out on top! Kings of the Kings of the Trios!

Normal managers would have been content with winning the Kings of the Trios. Not Sidney Bakabella! If we beat the Golden Trio, beating The Throwbacks was in the bag. And at "Tomorrow Never Dies," that bag was filled with enough sawbucks to party all weekend with Jimmy Snuka. Because The Devastation Corporation beat The Throwbacks to become the Tag Team Champions like I knew they would, like I knew they could, and like they did!

Now it’s 2015, the sky is the limit for The Wrecking Crew as long as they continue to follow my managerial blueprint. Max Smashmaster and Blaster McMassive plan to hold those belts longer than any other pair in CHIKARA history. Not to mention, Flex Rumblecrunch could take the Grand Championshp from Icarus anytime he wants. And CHIKARA’s lucky, because the only reason The Wrecking Crew doesn’t have the Young Lions Cup is because there’s no existing birth record for Jaka or for Oleg.

Together, my men cannot be beat. And if any of you think you can prove me wrong, line up on January 25th. Any five will do, CHIKARA. It doesn't matter who you put in front of my Wrecking Crew, the result will be the same.


Blog: Eddie Kingston (1.2.15)

Posted: January 02, 2015

Straight up, I don’t like rules. Anybody that knows me knows I don't like to follow them, and I sure don’t like when people throw 'em in my face.

Look, all that’s ever mattered to me is Her. If this is your first time reading one of these, let me fill you in quick. She’s the CHIKARA Grand Championship belt. Means everything to me. I was the first person to hold Her. Make no mistake, I will do ANYTHING to get Her back.

I got my three points. I followed the rules like everybody else. I should be next in line. No one deserves Her but ME.

Going on fourteen years now I’ve known Mike Quackenbush. You’d think after all this time Eddie Kingston might have some seniority around here. After being with CHIKARA since Day One. After being the first #GrandChamp. Get in line behind Chuck Taylor? That’s how the Director of Fun is gonna do me?

Chuck Taylor and Icarus used to be boys. Must eat you up inside, Chuck, you go and write Icarus off and now he's got the one thing we all want. You used to be part of the most dangerous trio in wrestling, son. Now you got no one, while Icarus is paraded around on everybody’s shoulders. Bet that gets under your skin. That's why it's better to forget about friends, and focus. Forget friends. Forget teammates.

I talk to Quack about getting Her back, I don't want to hear some pitch about being a team captain. Hand pick my own team? What do I care about that? What I care about is Her. And I can't have Her on January 25th. That makes me feel a little agitated. You don't want to test my temper. You don't want to stick your head in the lion's cage at lunch time.

Kid Cyclone. Kevin Condron. Whatever you're calling yourself now, I don't care. Six months ago I couldn’t pick him out of a line-up. Thinks he’s a precious little snowflake that’s too special to climb up the ranks like everybody else in the back. Thinks he’s gonna make his bones by jumping me. Blame what happened to his friends on me. No, partnah. It’s what YOU did to your friends! You brought them into the front lines of a war. You pushed them onto a landmine. Then you ran away instead of manning up, with your tail tucked between your legs, when you realized you brought a wrench to a tank fight!

You stuck your head in the cage, kid. This lion wants the Grand Championship and I am starving. I am dying to have Her back. So you couldn't have picked a worse time. You couldn't have made a worse move. You couldn't have picked a worse fight. You bring your preppy little haircut and your perfectly capped teeth down to South Philly on the 25th, and I'm gonna bring ya a war ya can't run from.