Blog: Sonny Defarge (1.19.17)
Dear Sirs and/or Madams,
I am Sonny Defarge, and you may call me Mr. Defarge. I, typically along with my business partner, Mr. Crummels, have seen great success in the business of buying and selling of goods and/or services. I have, of course, also won many a physical battle against a variety of decorated foes. Now that I have been confirmed for the Young Lions Cup XIII tournament, I must begin my training. As many of you may know, physical training comes at quite a cost in this economic climate. In this trying time it is my deepest regret that I must ask of any and every type of assistance possible to procure the proper training and supplementation (for Mr. Crummels as well. Therefore more support means a greater chance of success for these two upstanding businessmen). I can promise that any donations will be paid back with a healthy amount of interest as my number of successes increase. However, all donations must be made through Western Union. If you have any training equipment one may purchase I can send some associates with a cashier's check to retrieve it as I am not able to pick it up myself, due to the staggering physical regimen to which I must adhere in order to guarantee victory in the tournament.
It is clear that Mr. Crummels and I have already made quite an impression on both the audience and the competitors in CHIKARA, as the top tag team in the land. Now that he and I have both been announced for the Young Lions Cup, one may ask if I have any reservations about the possibility of competing against him. But the only worry I have is that the other fourteen competitors accuse the two of us of fraud or of unfair business practices when he and I are the two men left in the finals. Of our odds of winning on February 4th, I can certainly say that I have great expectations.
Blog: Hermit Crab (1.13.17)
On October 10th, 2015, Hermit Crab first appeared in a CHIKARA ring. He showed the world how dangerous him and his claws can be. When he walked outside the curtain to the ring, people didn't quite know how to act. Some laughed. Some didn't think much of him. But as they watched Hermit Crab walk along the second rope in awe and then hit Fire Ant with an elbow drop, they knew he was destined for greatness.
On February 6th, 2016, Hermit Crab had a chance to prove how great he was. He set his sights on the Young Lions Cup. A trophy, of which Hermit Crab knew the importance. Some of the greats has held this trophy and eventually went on to bigger things. The trophy seemed like it was getting closer to Hermit Crab. He eliminated one opponent. He could now see the trophy. He eliminated another. He can almost touch the trophy. But then in an instant...the trophy was out of reach.
On November 5th, 2016, Hermit Crab had another chance at the Cup. He had to strike lightning through the heart of ThunderFrog. Hermit Crab pulled out all the stops. The trophy was his....it had to be his. But after realizing that ThunderFrog was a little more skillful than Hermit Crab originally anticipated....it was all over. Never again. Never again will Hermit Crab lose sight of the Young Lions Cup! It can't happen again. It won't happen again.
Hermit Crab has been sharpening his claws. Hermit Crab has been training. He marked February 4th, 2017 on his calendar. That day keeps ringing in Hermit Crab's ear. He doesn't care who or what he has to put his claws through. The third time is the charm.
Blog: Cornelius Crummels (1.10.17)
Please kindly pardon me for any inconvenience this missive may have caused you, as I know we have no previous correspondence. I am Mr. Cornelius Crummels a professional in the ring with many a year of experience facilitating gold exportation and sales. Generally, I prefer to allow my business colleague, the esteemed Mr. Defarge to transact and communicate on my behalf, as he has a large sum of money in an open account in Burkina Faso. (This money will need to be moved soon, and he may require your assistance, for which, he is willing to offer you a considerable fee.) However, he is unable to write today from his bed, suffering a longtime illness.
I have been specially chosen as the first entrant into the Young Lions Cup XIII tournament, and adding this accolade to my growing collection of golden treasures is a rare opportunity. All participants were selected through a multi-international computer ballot system drawn from 98,000 (Ninety eight thousand) names of lions around the world, as part of an expansive international promotion programme. You can be assured of a tournament field with only the most distinguished competitors. But my mind is not at rest because I am writing this letter now through the help of my computer.
While it is an honor to be the first one named, I feel this puts me at a serious disadvantage. My opponents now get more time to prepare for me, than I do them for them. Both myself and Mr. Defarge are proven champions of men, but demonstrating our prowess as singles competitors is something most dear to our trust worthy hearts. There are no tactics I would hesitate to employ in pursuit of this goal. I will use all skills and gifts at my disposal to secure the Cup. Your support comes at this most desperate of times, and it will be most appreciated if sent to the attention of @CCrummels with well wishes and regards. This is to ensure that nothing jeopardizes what might be my last wish on Earth.
Compliments of the day,
Mr. Cornelius Crummels