To whom it may concern,

This Saturday the world over shall celebrate the 15th anniversary of CHIKARA. The fact was recently brought to my attention that the unmannerly cyclists known as Dez Peloton have accomplished the feat of achieving three points and have earned the right to contend, on this day, against my business associate, Mr. Crummels, and I, in yet another feeble attempt to remove the Campeonatos de Parejas from our well-deserved possession. To this I say good luck to you gentlemen.

Throughout our storied and successful careers as businessmen and combatants alike, Mr. Crummels and I have amassed many treasures, prizes and awards. For as long as I can remember men and women of a lesser capacity for success have attempted to pilfer what we have earned through precision and teamwork. The situation found here involving the detestable cyclists is no different than these past attempts save for one detail; Dez Peloton has defeated us in the past. No other team in CHIKARA can legitimately make such a claim. However, Mr. Crummels and I are more than prepared to face this obnoxious team once more because, as we have proven in the past, in spite of the vigorous training through which they put their bodies and minds, Dez Peloton cannot function under high pressure conditions.

Mr. Crummels and I perseverate in our success in the face of doubters and multiple attempts at the expropriation of the titles that we have earned through innumerable legitimate victories the likes of which are unheard-of in both the realms of business and professional combat sports. Meanwhile we continuously find Dez Peloton sharing kale recipes and personal records in their fitness-related outings. Mr. Crummels finds himself, now, in need of medical attention after having fallen ill during a business venture in Kiribati the likes of which many wouldn't understand. However he trains still! (Though we will be accepting donations in favor of his health fund, as well as pledges and contributions to benefit our training. We now accept bitcoin!) Meanwhle, Jasper Tippins couldn't even be bothered to appear in the Infinite Gauntlet. The lack of determination is apparent.

All of this to say that we have proven in the past, over the course of three seasons, that we, CHIKARA's legitimate businessmen, are the greatest tag team to have ever graced the sport of professional wrestling with its performance. Dez Peloton has only succeeded in proving the durability of their quadriceps over long distances. Hardly enough to compete with the Campeones de Parejas.

In conclusion, sirs/and or madams, Dez Peloton will ride their momentum all the way to the Aniversario event in Hellertown, PA and that is where their momentum will stop. Legitimate business will prevail through an attempted hostile takeover, yet again, while the gears rust, the chains seize, and the pedals stop moving. And every good businessman knows that when a bicycle's pedals stop moving, the only thing left for a bicycle to do is collapse.

As always, for this and all of the business ventures shared by Mr. Crummels and I, I have some great expectations.

-Mr. Defarge