Blog: Jakob Hammermeier (3.3.16)
Eddie Kingston's got some nicknames, doesn't he?
"God's Middle Child."
"The Last of a Dying Breed."
And of course "The War King."
You are the first-ever CHIKARA Grand Champion, and maybe the hardest-hitter in all of professional wrestling. I've witnessed you emerge victorious against many a great warrior, in many a war.
However, when we were in your hometown of the Bronx, with your entire family front and center, I punched a hole through your face. I pinned you straight-up, mano a mano. Fist-first, I handed you a clean loss, as your cousins and parents fought back tears of shame. The crowd was stunned to see NOT ONLY the sacking of their so-called "king," Eddie Kingston...they were in utter awe of the coronation of "THE NEW KING OF CHIKARA" Jakob Hammermeier!
I took that title from your grubby mitts in like five seconds. It was a great day for me.
If you ask me, I was really doing you a favor, Eddie. I mean seriously, the first time I heard you call yourself "The War King" I immediately thought, "Not mein king. No way."
Here is quick list of some things you lack as a so called "king":
1) No Minions: I mean honestly Eddie...to whom are you a king? I have people from all over the world practically kicking down the custom oak (yeah, I sprung for oak) doors at the BDK's Castle of Fear. I had droves of them at King of Trios lined up BEGGING for them to be mein minions. DROVES!
2) No Throne: every reputable king has a throne to ponder his royal thoughts. Try to keep up, part-nah.
3) No Crown: I don't remember seeing bandanas tied like Tupac being passed off as crowns back in King Louis' day. No sir.
You have no respect for true royalty. You're a street thug. You're no more a King than I am a Hammer. This isn't Aladdin. You can't just rub a dirty lamp, wish you were a king, and have everyone bow at your feet. You got to earn it, just as I did in your hometown of El Bronx.
If you expect that I will sully myself, sharing the ring with you again, just to humor your latest temper tantrum, think again. I have minions to take out mein trash.
HAIL HAMMERMEIER!
-JH
Blog: Dasher Hatfield (1.6.16)
Determined.
Intelligent.
Survivor!
I use these three words to describe a man that always manages to find his way to victory. A man that, despite his conniving and devious ways, has proven time and time again to be perfectly capable of handling himself inside the squared circle. I speak of Juan Francisco de Coronado, the sole survivor of the Torneo Cibernetico at "Top Banana."
I left Philadelphia that day never actually settling the score I was planning on settling during the Cibernetico. And now, it seems I have a new score to settle. I wasn't pinned. I did not submit. And I understand why you don't want to face me one-on-one, Juan. You got to be Mr. Top Banana thanks to your partners-in-crime, thanks to underhandedness...I wonder if you even have a sense of fair play? I wonder when is the last time you won a match, clean, all by yourself? If it's got to be a tag match to get your name on the dotted line Juan, then ol' Dasher will just have to bring enough of a whoopin’ for the both of ya!
Dependable.
Trustworthy.
Pound-for-pound the toughest competitor in CHIKARA!
I use these three descriptors to describe a young lady I have grown very fond of over the past 12 months. Throughout the "Challenge of the Immortals" I had a teammate who, day in and day out, came to fight! In good times and bad, this teammate of mine never faltered, never backed down, and never quit. If there is one person I want standing in my corner in 2016 it is absolutely Miss Heidi Lovelace. I have watched her grow as a competitor, and she continues to improve each and every time she steps in the squared circle. She impresses me every single time.
Recent events have helped me rethink the people in which I trust. Let’s just say that list is currently very short. Sitting at the top of this list is you, Miss Lovelace. Sooooo I head into 2016 with a great grin on my face. I have an opponent I am going to love kicking the snot out of, a partner I would trust with the secret to my split finger fastball, and not to mention I get to spend another year wrestling in front of the greatest fans in the entire world! Life is grand.
Ta Ta for now,
DH
Blog: Kobald (12.3.15)
18 months is a long time to be gone. Everyone is asking me what happened to me after "You Only Live Twice" on May 25th, 2014. No, I did not take a vacation—it was quite the opposite. I remember precisely how everything went down. I stood in the middle of the ring amidst a war between the newly united CHIKARA roster and a group of evil entities called The Flood. In that ring I confronted a beast of a man I now know as Deucalion. In an act of equal parts bravery and foolishness, I speared Dueucalion as I had done to hundreds of foes before. Unfortunately, this time was different. This time, my foe did not flinch. Instead, he grabbed me by my throat, lifted me above his head and flushed the life out of me. After that, I’m not exactly sure where I went—whether it was the afterlife or another dimension — but it was a long, torturous ordeal. Have you read Dante’s Inferno? Imagine that with less fire, more brimstone. Fortunately, I did not have to spend the rest of eternity in that existence. The Batiri have brought me back to this plane of reality!
Now that I am back, I feel changes in me. For one, there is a new found hunger, for celebral cortex, to be specific. I assume it is directly related to the respawning process. UltraMantis Black warned there may be side effects from the sacred latrine ritual. Knowing him, I am lucky to make it back in one piece! Speaking of change, I now have a new lease on life. Previously, I had been a mischievous goblin. I took great pleasure in the pain and suffering of others. For that, I paid the price. I paid an 18 month sentence in the bowels of the “Other Realm.” In this new life, I have much to atone for. I refuse to suffer the same fate as I had for those long 18 months. This is my 2nd and last chance at life. I can only hope to use this new life for something positive…at least enough positivity to keep me from reaching another fiery existence! No longer will I take for granted a single breath, a single moment on this earth or especially, a single moment in that ring. That brings me to "Top Banana."
On December 5th, The Batiri will meet The Gentleman’s Club in a trios match. Believe it or not, humans, but I’ve never wrestled at the EXTREMELY historic 2300 Arena before! I’ve accompanied my demon cohorts on occasion, but I never had a match of my own on those hallowed grounds. On December 5th I’ll be standing beside my Batiri brethren against Drew Gulak, Chuck Taylor and Orange Cassidy. I’ve been in the ring with Drew Gulak and Chuck Taylor a few times before. I can’t say enough good things about those two men. They are easily two of the top 10 wrestlers I’ve ever encountered. (Oh yeah, Orange Cassidy will be there as well!) So this will be a goblin’s dream come true! I didn’t come back to CHIKARA to lose to any team. I came back to redeem myself. That journey has started in November and it ends when I do, which I promise, will be no time soon. Gentlemen, bring some Pepto-Bismol with you, because when we get done with you, your whole team will feel the pain of indigestion! See you Saturday.
-K