Blog: Mr. Azerbaijan (10.23.14)
Not since the year two thousand and the three has Mr. Azerbaijan felt so treated unfairly. Of course, Mr. Azerbaijan is being referred to year of coal miner strike which cause Sexiest Man in Azerbaijan contest to be cancelled. Breaking Mr. Azerbaijan Sexiest Man in Azerbaijan streak since the year nineteen ninety and the four. Azerbaijani winters make hard to be sexy with frostbite. That is why Mr. Azerbaijan grow sexy mustache. Mr. Azerbaijan have sexiest mustache in CHIKARA, no doubt. Perhaps maybe Hasher Datfield and Jervis Cottonman. But Mr. Azerbaijan digress.
When Bloc Party lose Flag Match against dirty Baltic Seige, Bloc Party are made to be suffering terrible humiliations. In Azerbaijan it is against Azerbaijan law to wave flag not of Azerbaijan if one is from Azerbaijan. Mr. Azerbaijan’s name is not Mr. Latvia. Mr. Azerbaijan is more sexier than Mr. Latvia, Mr. Estonia and Mr. Lithuania combined. To make matters more bad, The Polar Baron has forsaken the Bloc Party and returned to the Motherland. Upon the leaving, Polar Baron have accidentally taken immigration documents for the Bloc Party. It is unknown at this time where is Polar Baron located because polar icecaps have melt away.
So, the Bloc Party cannot return to native land without papers and Bloc Party is not legal to stay. Bloc Party is literally outlaws in United America! The Proletariat Boar of Moldova is forced to call the road his home now. Prakash Sabar is an exile from Pakistan. And if Mr. Azerbaijan cannot return to yak farm in Jelilabad, Mr. Azerbaijan is only half the man of Mr. Azerbaijan’s name.
Soon it will be new year and time for next Sexiest Man in Azerbaijan contest. If Mr. Azerbaijan cannot return to Azerbaijan to compete, all of the CHIKARA will be made to pay! We are political prisoners with no political affiliation. CHIKARA will be turned upsided-down, rightsided up and turned down for what until justice is served.
Recently, at the King of all Trios, Bloc Party make meeting of retired wrestler Sean Waltman. Sean Waltman is now biggest fan of Bloc Party and consumes all merchandise like capitalist Americans always consume. Bloc Party even walk Sean Waltman to his car until Mr. One Two and the Three have two words for Bloc Party...“beat it.”
“Beat it.” Beat it is exactly what Bloc Party is going to do # 1 fan Sean Waltman - Bloc Party will beat it to this political injustice. Bloc Party will beat it to all misfortune. And Bloc Party will beat it into face of anyone in Bloc Party’s way. It starts with you, Ants Colony in the south country! Bloc Party will do what Bloc Party want to whoever Bloc Party want to do it against. The party may be over, but new age of generation will be replacing!
-Mr. Az
Blog: UltraMantis Black (10.21.14)
DELIRIOUS, you babbling neanderthal!!! How dare you intercede in The Spectral Envoy’s match at King of Trios! Were you not aware of our destiny to repeat our win from the last tournament? Surely we would have advanced to defeat The Devastation Corporation as we have done in the past. Instead, The Spectral Envoy was eliminated on the first night due to your interloping. The first night! That is categorically unacceptable!
Do not think I have forgotten about your pledge to harass me for the last two years, either. As if your unwelcome, unintelligible phone calls in the wee hours of the morning, interrupting my much needed slumber, were not enough to constantly remind me. However, if costing The Spectral Envoy our due at King of Trios is the worst pain you can inflict, your threats have amounted to little more than annoyances.
You “remember everything,” do you? Well then, remember that Hallowicked and Frightmare no longer follow your incoherence. No, they now stand with me as The Spectral Envoy. Remember also that the men you call allies were once your own former enemies. And above all remember this: there is none more dangerous, devious and diabolical than UltraMantis Black!
So try as you may to intimidate me, Delirious, you will only reap the whirlwind. You're not the first, nor will you be the last. It is your time that is running out. Two months, deluded lunatic. UltraMantis Black vows that The Flood will be no more! CHIKARA will stand triumphant. Run and tell your masters. You and your cohorts will be vanquished to the infernal pits from whence you were spawned.
-UMB
Blog: Sidney Bakabella (10.16.14)
To whom it may concern,
With the King of the Trio weekend in my rearview mirror, I need to focus on the glorious future of my Wrecking Crew. The Devastation Corporation did exactly what I told everyone they would do. They won the King of the Trio Tournament. Max, Blaster, & Flex are the most dominant Trio in any territory. They’ve sold out the Sportatorium more than the Freebirds and the Von Erichs COMBINED!
Switching directions for a bit, I am equally as proud of Jaka & Oleg the Usurper. They defeated 9 other teams in a grueling match all by themselves, and looked handsome doing it! They were exhausted at the end, but thanks to their superior wrestling ability, they outlasted Ice Cream cones, real British guys, probably fake British guys, mummies & snakes! The grueling match took its toll on my boys. I had to cancel Oleg’s two week run in Vancouver for Al Tomko. (He doesn't pay merch royalties, anyway.) Oleg deserved a vacation after that glorious victory and I sent him to Finland to relax. He’ll be back in time for North Carolina & Virginia and better than ever.
Jaka has legal issues when it comes to travel. You see, because of a recent misunderstanding in regards to an attack of Oliver North, he's currently not "allowed" to leave the state. Well, my lawyer, the great Johnnie Cochran is on the case! While he won't be free in time for the North Carolina and Virginia territory, I’m hoping to have him sprung in time to go to Fiji to watch him beat up Jimmy Snuka’s father. As far as the CHIKARA promotion goes, I always have a back-up plan! Oleg needs a tag partner, and I have a Corporation full of guys ready to hit the pay window.
See ya round the loop kid,
Sidney Bakabella
sent from my typewriter