Blog: Ophidian (1.9.15)
We live in an age where the Deities Amasis and I worship are all but a myth. Children's shows and history channels make a mockery of those we think of as omnipotent. They even go so far as to say Sekhmet and Osiris may have never existed at all. To be honest, even I now question the power and authority of the ancient Egyptian Deities.
A war was waged within CHIKARA and the men who fought it had to evolve. Men who once wore smiles on their faces are now equipped with gritted teeth. They've allowed a monstrous side to meld with their righteousness. All who surround me have shed their past, their light-hearted demeanor, or their lackadaisical ways. They have transformed into heroes. Transformed into fearless warriors. The Osirian Portal on the other hand, have not.
I am no stranger to molting. Yet, I've allowed The Osirian Portal to stagnate. What did we do last year? I rested on two points to contend for the Grand Championship. Not once did I press for a third. Amasis couldn't make it past the Rey de Voladores eliminator in September. Together, we endured a semi-final loss in the Tag World Grand Prix. Perhaps our misfortune was at the dishonorable hand of others, but it was our stagnant state which allowed those hands to manifest our defeat.
Season 15 will not be a repeat of Season 14. I will not look to Egyptian Deities for help. I do not need to ask our peers for a solution. I already know the answer to our dilemma. Change is the answer. Something has to change. Something will change.
-O
Blog: Sidney Bakabella (1.7.15)
From the desk of Sidney Bakabella:
When Fritz looked at this wisecracking Yankee kid and told him he’d never amount to a hill of beans, never in his wildest dreams did he imagine he was talking to ME, Sidney Bakabella - the King of All Managers, to quote that hirsute windbag Gavin Loudspeaker. 2014 was the year of Sidney Bakabella! Who else cleaned out every pay windah from Saskatoon to Witchita? Not Freddie Blassie, not Captain Lou. Not Pringle, Skaaland, or even The Grand Wizard. Me.
You don’t need any further proof than the King of the Trios to know Sidney Bakabella’s Wrecking Crew dominated all of CHIKARA. Tag Team Gauntlet, Oleg the Usurper and Jaka disposed of ten teams to win decisively over those malnourished middle-schoolers, The Osirian Portal. My team The Devastation Corporation put on a clinic over the course of three days. Not only did they have the toughest opponents in the entire competition, but they came out on top! Kings of the Kings of the Trios!
Normal managers would have been content with winning the Kings of the Trios. Not Sidney Bakabella! If we beat the Golden Trio, beating The Throwbacks was in the bag. And at "Tomorrow Never Dies," that bag was filled with enough sawbucks to party all weekend with Jimmy Snuka. Because The Devastation Corporation beat The Throwbacks to become the Tag Team Champions like I knew they would, like I knew they could, and like they did!
Now it’s 2015, the sky is the limit for The Wrecking Crew as long as they continue to follow my managerial blueprint. Max Smashmaster and Blaster McMassive plan to hold those belts longer than any other pair in CHIKARA history. Not to mention, Flex Rumblecrunch could take the Grand Championshp from Icarus anytime he wants. And CHIKARA’s lucky, because the only reason The Wrecking Crew doesn’t have the Young Lions Cup is because there’s no existing birth record for Jaka or for Oleg.
Together, my men cannot be beat. And if any of you think you can prove me wrong, line up on January 25th. Any five will do, CHIKARA. It doesn't matter who you put in front of my Wrecking Crew, the result will be the same.
-SB
Blog: Eddie Kingston (1.2.15)
Straight up, I don’t like rules. Anybody that knows me knows I don't like to follow them, and I sure don’t like when people throw 'em in my face.
Look, all that’s ever mattered to me is Her. If this is your first time reading one of these, let me fill you in quick. She’s the CHIKARA Grand Championship belt. Means everything to me. I was the first person to hold Her. Make no mistake, I will do ANYTHING to get Her back.
I got my three points. I followed the rules like everybody else. I should be next in line. No one deserves Her but ME.
Going on fourteen years now I’ve known Mike Quackenbush. You’d think after all this time Eddie Kingston might have some seniority around here. After being with CHIKARA since Day One. After being the first #GrandChamp. Get in line behind Chuck Taylor? That’s how the Director of Fun is gonna do me?
Chuck Taylor and Icarus used to be boys. Must eat you up inside, Chuck, you go and write Icarus off and now he's got the one thing we all want. You used to be part of the most dangerous trio in wrestling, son. Now you got no one, while Icarus is paraded around on everybody’s shoulders. Bet that gets under your skin. That's why it's better to forget about friends, and focus. Forget friends. Forget teammates.
I talk to Quack about getting Her back, I don't want to hear some pitch about being a team captain. Hand pick my own team? What do I care about that? What I care about is Her. And I can't have Her on January 25th. That makes me feel a little agitated. You don't want to test my temper. You don't want to stick your head in the lion's cage at lunch time.
Kid Cyclone. Kevin Condron. Whatever you're calling yourself now, I don't care. Six months ago I couldn’t pick him out of a line-up. Thinks he’s a precious little snowflake that’s too special to climb up the ranks like everybody else in the back. Thinks he’s gonna make his bones by jumping me. Blame what happened to his friends on me. No, partnah. It’s what YOU did to your friends! You brought them into the front lines of a war. You pushed them onto a landmine. Then you ran away instead of manning up, with your tail tucked between your legs, when you realized you brought a wrench to a tank fight!
You stuck your head in the cage, kid. This lion wants the Grand Championship and I am starving. I am dying to have Her back. So you couldn't have picked a worse time. You couldn't have made a worse move. You couldn't have picked a worse fight. You bring your preppy little haircut and your perfectly capped teeth down to South Philly on the 25th, and I'm gonna bring ya a war ya can't run from.
-EK